WARNING!
WARNING!
All stories on this page suck, unless otherwise noted.
The Raven in Rio Linda
Driving my 1984 Ford Ranger, I sped west through Downtown Rio Linda at about 50
miles per hour, when the raven started chasing me. My superstitions began to get the
better of me. Afraid of the possible intentions this menace had in store for me, I began to
accelerate. Without warning, this bird of death collided into my passenger door.
Surprisingly, his relatively puny body was capable of caving in the door, and ripping it
from it's hinges. I knew then that it was Death itself chasing me. I smashed the
gas pedal to the floor, and swerved around pedestrians as I flew by them at my truck's top
speed. Nevertheless, the demonic hell spawn easily kept up with my now whopping
speed of 60 miles per hour.
I swerved off onto a dirt road, foolishly thinking that perhaps, just perhaps I could
outmaneuver the savage beast. For a split second, I thought that I had in fact lost the
devil; I was shortly thereafter proven wrong. He was in fact perched upon my tail gate,
laughing at my feeble attempts at self preservation.
I knew I had to act quickly. I slammed on the brakes, knocking the morbid monstrosity
from my tailgate, and forcing him to accept flight as an mandatory means of
transportation. I jerked the steering wheel with all my might, spinning my automobile in a
full degree turn. I was now heading in the opposite direction. I was now staring the
malevolent ogre dead in the eyes.
I knew my fate was sealed. With all hope abandoned, I slammed on the gas, as he flew
straight for me. We both screamed in terror, not sure of what the outcome would be in
our little game of "chicken".
We collided, sending a shock wave throughout the utopian city of Rio Linda. Surrounding
buildings crumbled in ruins. The blast devastated the population of the beloved city.
Thousands of lives were lost, and all due to my selfishness and my desire to live.
I awoke about two hours later, only to find myself standing alone in a crater, spanning
nearly 100 yards. I wiped the soot from my smoldering clothing, and began to think of
those who perished in the blast; of everyone we had killed.
A piece of melted rubber dripped from my shirt. I watched it as it tumbled to the ground,
landing at a mere inch or two from the remains of the raven. I had killed the raven, and I
had beaten death, but I had killed thousands of innocent bystanders. A tear slithered
down my face, "Oh dear God..." I fell to my knees, "I'm alive! I'M ALIVE!!! HA HA
HAAAAA!!!! Screw you, you goddamn bird! I killed your ass! HA HA HA HAAA!!!" I
jumped up and started dancing and singing among the wreckage and destruction. "I'm
a-li-ve. I'm a-li-ve. Niener niener niener, cause you are de-ad." I twirled around, and
began to move my arms around in the air. "Care to dance you stupid birdie? Oh... I'm
sorry... that's right, you can't... CAUSE YOU'RE DEAD!!! HA HA HA!!!"
For nearly twenty minutes I danced over Death's corpse, then I scratched my head and
began to make my way out of the crater, wondering if anybody was spared in the
explosion. While exiting the crater I turned back to make one final mockery of the raven,
"You dumb son of a---AHHHH!!!!" I hadn't seen the canyon that had been sliced right at
the edge of the crater. I plummeted down about fifty feet, to my demise.
As my still warm broken body bled, the raven's corpse began to twitch. With a
quick rustle of his wings, he jumped back on his feet again. He fluttered over to my open
grave and peered down, "Hmmphh. Who's the dummy now, eh?" He
stretched out his wings, and gave his back a good pop, cracking it back in place. And
with that, he flapped his wings and flew away.
