Pedestrians
All pedestrians should, by law, be forced to signal their intent when
crossing a crosswalk. Too often have I been glared at by many a pissed off pedestrian all
due to my lack of knowing when and where the pedestrian wished to cross. I can't always
tell when a pedestrian's intent is to cross the street, and when I should brake for them.
These pedestrians creep out from nowhere, perhaps from behind a bush, then
POUNCE out in front of me forcing me to come to a screeching halt. Then they look at
me with their evil eyes, and penetrate my very soul. I then shrivel up to about the size of
a Cabbage Patch Doll, while sucking my thumb, and begging for my mommy.
This situation is uncalled for. It endangers the pedestrian's life as well as my ego.
This must go on no longer.
The solution: pedestrians must wear a helmet with blinkers on either side of it.
When preparing to enter a crosswalk, they must signal their intentions by flashing the
lights on the helmet. This will ultimately warn me prior to being made a fool of, and it
will keep them from becoming road kill.
I propose that you help me with this endeavor. If you invent this device, get a patent
on it, and mass produce it, I'll help you sell the idea to Congress. By paying off a few
important Congressional leaders, our Pedestrian Bill will soon be made law, and once
this happens... REVENUE BABY, REVENUE! Everybody and their mother will be
forced to buy our product, and then... yes, you guessed it, we'll be millionaires! Maybe
even billionaires! There will be no stopping us then! Not even sneaky lil bush-hiding
pedestrians...
If Superman is just barely able to defeat the villains of Metropolis... then why don't
the villains of Metropolis just go defeat Batman and take over Gotham City?
Stop youth violence. Kill those fuckers before they get the chance!
Beware the Taco Bell Chihuahua, for he is the spawn of Satan, I'm sure of it.
Prophets foretold of a being descending from the devil. A being who would persuade
naive, trusting souls to join his cause, follow him blindly, and bring forth the war of the
heavens. It is my belief that this dog is that being.
A coworker of mine has fell victim to this dog's powers. To protect the anonymity of
this coworker I'll call him... David Lozano.
David has become somewhat infatuated with this demigod. David anxiously awaits
new commercials featuring this beast. David even records these vile sermons of evil, and
quotes the word of the dog as often as possible.
The other day I saw David fighting an invisible man. The weapon of choice: A
broom. I'm not quite sure who won... afterall the man was invisible... but I believe that
whomever this invisible man is, he surely must be on our side if he would be willing to
fight against the soldiers of Satan.
Perhaps this army of invisibles may be our final and only hope...
The music charts are filled with Nsnyc's and Backstreet Boys... and as if that isn't enough to prove that world is coming to an end soon... Cher is also among the top sellers! Do you not see? The end is near!
Possums are weird lookin'... X-pecially at night, when they're caught in your car
headlights, while you aim for them.
The buttons on ATM machines have Braille on them. The instructions on how to use
the ATM machine and what buttons to push are printed out on the lil 4 inch monitor.
Do you see where I'm going with this..?
There are even DRIVE-thru ATMs with Braille on them...
Think of how difficult it is for the male porn stars of the world... If they fail to get it
up just once, they could be out of a job. And the pressure of failure leers all around while
a large staff of looky loos and camera men stand impatiently waiting for the "show" to
begin.
I am starting a fund to help these needy "actors". With your help, I hope to raise
money to give all porn stars a chance to gain their piece of the American dream. Your
donations will go to supplying large quantities of Viagra to those in need. Any size
donation will help. And remember, these "actors" generously entertain, teach, and
amaze... and have they asked for anything back in return? Thank you, and god bless.
For more information about the Viagra Fund, email ME.
Thanks again.
